I hung out with a group of friends I normally don’t hang out with and I’m generally more reserved around them. So I “loosened up” a bit today and, well, I was being myself. Which I never realized I don’t do often? And tonight’s experience clarified pretty well why I don’t ever do that. I don’t know how to explain it exactly, but I felt so judged. No… not judged exactly but just ridiculed? I don’t know. People can be so close-minded sometimes. So limited. I think I’m an amiable person and I tend to mold myself around who I am so as to make conversation generally easier and whatnot. But some people are just so freaking RIGID. I’ve never felt like such an outsider, which is really saying something. REALLY SAYING SOMETHING. Fuck. I don’t know what I’m getting at…

Lately I’ve been feeling so self-conscious. Which is something new to me in this sense? Like I always knew I was a loser but it never bothered me. I mean, I wouldn’t actually wanna be a “winner”, y’kno? (like that Of Montreal lyric: it’s like we weren’t made for this world though I wouldn’t really wanna meet someone who was- except there is no we…) It kinda reminds me of when I started getting into MGMT back when I was like 14 or so. I remember feeling this deep connection with them because they were such weirdos. Seeing them acknowledge the fact that they were eccentric, but accept it and work with it, idk that meant something to me. And I guess I learned from them, and learned to take pride in my uhh individuality. But now it’s become this thing where I’m constantly asking myself “what’s wrong with me?” I feel shitty. And lonely. I feel like I can’t be my true self with people because whenever I am it’s disastrous.

And that is a pretty sucky feeling I must say.